meehh
2009-12-18, 3:05 a.m..

Late nights puts me in this...fuzzywarm mood that makes me feel like I should have some good heart to heart talks. Maybe it's the atmosphere, maybe it's the right people, or maybe it's God. But whatever it is, I'm really grateful to God for friends, and opportunities. I guess it makes life more meaningful when there're people to share life's struggles with. Of course there's the innate kaypohness that would make people want to know/share more, but beneath that really is genuine concern about how we can make things work in life.

I wrote this down months back and the recent incidents that've been happening reminded me of it again. Which is how one of my greatest fear comes about when I'm being placed in a position to lead. And it is there where I'll be afraid of leading the group in the wrong direction, because if you screw up, you're not the only one affected. So most of the time, I'll choose to be passive. But such passiveness can only last a short while before it gets damaging...and you realise that the passiveness IS the wrong direction. Hah.

But then again, what is the right direction, really? Especially when I really want to rely on God's direction and not follow my own judgement...sigh. I get uncomfortable with intangible thingies. Like if I want to say, or do something radical, I'll want tangible proof to know that I'm on the right track. I guess that's what been pulling me back all these while...it's the uncertainty. The uncertainty that I know can only be overcome through a right and close walk with God.

I remember AJ posing this question during leaders cell when I was...16. She asked "Are people born leaders?" A few agreed, but I disagreed because I know that I'm not born a leader. Based on my personality, the way I am and the way I think, react and behave, there really isnt much that would fit the image of a 'good leader'. I lack the confidence, the enthusiasm, the exterior image, and the innate ability to generate discussions and make people feel involved just like that. But I guess it's precisely in moments like this where I'll really have to fully rely on God to grant me the right strength, wisdom and heart to mould me into someone useful. He uses my weakness for His glory so that I can wholly be an instrument for Him. I rather be an empty shell whom God can fully work through than to be a skillful one who would tend to rely on myself more than Him. This is why I believe christian leadership isn't an innate ability. It's not about who you are, or what you can do. But it's about how genuine your heart is in being ready to be mould and used by God.

Haha. I say so much. But I really, really fail at it when it comes to living out what I strongly believe in. So what if I'm so burdened? So what if I keep talking about all the problems we see and how we need to solve them. And so what if I've got the authority (by virtue of age, position, or whatever)? If I'm not acting upon my burdens then NOTHING will work out. There will be no progress, everything will just be the same, old, stagnant issue. And it'll just draggggggggggggg on. But what is the right direction to take? Heh. I seriously, genuinely have no idea.

Happiness is a very emotional yet physical thing. Some people says it's all in the mind. If you choose to see life in a positive way, you can be happy even though your life appears to be shitty. If you choose to see life in the negative sense, then no matter how blessed you are, you'll still be depressed. Sometimes happiness becomes a physical thing because people usually feel sad over the lack of something. Be it material wants/needs, or the desire to have a physical person to behave or feel in a certain manner. I say happiness is a spiritual issue. Because no matter how much of your life seems to be fulfilled (you can be having good grades, a good boyfriend, and healthy friendships), genuine, complete happiness'll always seem elusive. When was the last time you genuinely felt happy about every single area of your life? The real fact of life is there is nothing in this world that can grant people true, complete happiness. Except God. That is the missing piece (and probably the only piece) that I can find completeness in. Because when I close my eyes and focus on God- I can find complete happiness to know that I am exactly who He made me to be, and that the things I experience in life are exactly the things that are part of His plan to mould me and help me grow to become someone purposeful.

I'm 20. Come next year and I'll be 21. It's scary to know that I'm currently the oldest member around in lync...and it makes me feel like I have...additional responsibilities. Haha. I'm not really doing anything extra though...I've probably been living my life the same way I've been living for the past...months and years in lync. Only maybe now I've become more involved in the sound system, logistics & admin stuff, and of course, my current cell. Haha okay I take that back. Life hasn't exactly been the same (on the outside at least), but I don't really feel the change on the inside. Weird because with growth (in age), maturity and CHANGE is supposed to follow.

Hrrmm. Okay, abrupt end to entry because I suddenly remembered I had something to do (and no it's not to sound the mh horn..)!

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meehh - 2009-12-18
The Church's One Foundation - 2009-12-03
- - 2009-11-26
MOTD - 2009-10-06
VOTD - 2009-10-02